by Greg
 
 
 
 

Disclaimer:
Yuu Yuu Hakusho, its characters, copyright and trademarks belong to Yoshihiro Togashi, Shueishen / Shonen Jump, Fuji TV and Studio Pierrot. Copyright of this fic belongs to its author.

Warning:
this is Yaoi (m/m).

"Kurama, I was thinking, now the kids are grown... Maybe we ought to see if there are some more out there that need a home, and someone to look after them?"

Hiei had actually been thinking about that subject for months, ever since the last of their little family had flown the nest. Parenting had been harder work than anything either of them had ever done, but they'd been in firm agreement that it had also been more satisfying than anything they'd done as well. Except actually getting together, all those years ago....

He was pretty sure that he'd picked a good time to raise the subject: it was a warm lazy summer's morning in the Makai, and they'd come awake slowly, spending a couple of hours in increasingly intense love-play, before a satisfyingly passionate conclusion. Now they lay in each other's arms, basking in the afterglow.

To his surprise, Kurama paused for a long time before replying, and his tone, when he did, was hesitant, almost evasive:

"Ah... well, maybe not right now.... You see, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about...."

Hiei pushed himself up to a sitting position, and looked carefully at his lover. No doubt about it, Kurama looked faintly embarrassed.

"Oh, what's that, then?" Hiei spoke casually, to mask the faint twinge of unease that he felt inside at Kurama's unexpected behaviour.

"Well.... when I was youko before, I was never very interested in the things other youkos did, in their behaviour and customs, history, that sort of thing.... only in the things I could use to make me a better thief. Now I'm no longer a thief, I realise there's an awful lot I missed out on. Kind of like a whole heritage that I ignored..... I'm thinking that maybe I need to travel to one of the youko territories, find a teacher, stay there and study for a while...." He still looked faintly embarrassed.

"Hn. So, it's not such a problem: there's no one else dependent on us now. We can easily move south for a time, while you do your studying or whatever, can't we?" Now Kurama really looked downcast - what was going on?

"Ah... Gomen, Hiei, it's not that easy. You see, the place I'm thinking of going to, it's deep inside one of the few places that youkos really call their own. It's very special, sacred even. They don't allow anyone but youkos in the whole territory..." His voice tailed off, as if he was ashamed of what he was making clear to Hiei.

"So... you're saying that you'd have to go alone... that you want me to stay here?" A leaden heaviness seemed to have settled over Hiei's heart. Somehow none of it rang completely true: after all these years together with Kurama he knew him very well. Something inside him was insisting that Kurama hadn't told him the whole truth. And he hated the thought of Kurama being on his own amongst a mass of his own kind. Weren't youkos supposed to be thoughtlessly promiscuous, unable to understand the concept of faithfulness to one lover? All his time with Kurama, Hiei had lived with the fear - faint until now - that Kurama would one day revert to type. That, he could never cope with.

Kurama's next words unwittingly just fanned the flames.

"Hiei - I'm sorry, I just have to be among my own kind for a while. There are certain things about being a youko that I have to re-learn..."

"What things?"

"It's not easy to describe... I don't think I'll be able to explain properly until afterwards..."

"How long will you be away?"

Maybe a month... or two."

"Hn."

It had been four and a half months now, and Hiei was deeply depressed. True, every few weeks a message had arrived by whatever devious means that Kurama could command, reassuring Hiei that it wouldn't be long, that he'd be home soon.... but there had been no word now for nearly four weeks... and the day after tomorrow was Hiei's birthday. Hiei had no real use for birthdays, but Kurama had always insisted on celebrating his: surprising him with presents, and generally making a fuss of him, making him feel loved. Now it seemed almost certain he wasn't going to be around. Hiei desperately wanted his birthday not to be important, but the damned fox had made it that way, and now each day seemed to bring him lower and lower.

They'd always kept a bottle or two of the nearest equivalent to sake available there, hidden away from the children, ready for celebrations - like Hiei's birthday.... Now he turned to it as he'd done decades before, to strengthen his courage and blot out his fears. Except that it didn't work. He'd been trying to forget Kurama, but instead he found himself remembering Shuuichi, the beautiful ningen whose body had housed Kurama's soul, and on whose deathbed Kurama had completed his final transformation back into the youko that was his true form. Hiei had lived with Shuuichi for all the latter's adult life, and although Shuuichi and Kurama were the same person, Hiei had still been able to detect a difference.

Shuuichi had possessed an amazing sincerity which enabled him to say or do the most impossibly romantic things with complete conviction, and had undoubtedly been a major factor in his successful wooing of the flint-hearted Hiei. Kurama had a certain cynicism, perhaps born of his immensely long life, which meant although he was tender and caring, he could never overwhelm his lover with single-minded romantic passion, in the same way he had done in the form of Shuuichi.

Right now, Hiei found himself longing for the simplistic devotion that had shone out of the sparkling green eyes of Kurama's human form. He knew it was unfair, for he'd had Youko Kurama's devotion for twenty years now, but he'd convinced himself that was over. He knew this longing was a weakness, and cursed himself for being weak, again and again. Nevertheless, he was aware some part of him had always needed to mourn the loss of Shuuichi; that he had never been able to express that because of Kurama's survival.

Pushing through his morbid and fuddled thoughts came the awareness of an approaching ki. It took him a moment to recognise it, for it was weak and his senses were dulled by the wine, but when he did, he was on his feet and staring into the darkness.

Into the circle of light from the fire stepped Kurama, coated in dust and travel-stained, and clearly in the last stages of exhaustion. Eagerly, Hiei moved to embrace him, but the grey-faced youko pushed past him:

"Baby, I'm sorry, I'm so fucked I just gotta sleep." With these tender and delicate words Kurama stumbled into their bedroom and collapsed, fast asleep before Hiei could take one step towards him. His choice of words hadn't helped: all the time he'd been away Hiei had been torturing himself imagining what Kurama could be getting up to surrounded by all those good-looking, immoral, ever-randy youkos. This was a little too near his imaginings.

Hiei carried on drinking morosely by the fire, and eventually fell asleep without being aware of even doing so. Before he passed out, a bout of bitter, frustrated tears briefly claimed him: he was grateful no one else had witnessed them. When he woke up late the next morning, he immediately wished he hadn't. His mouth felt like something had died in it, and his pounding headache wasn't going to be easily got rid of.

This naturally made him depressed again, and the fact that Kurama just kept on sleeping made it worse. Once he'd tried to gently wake him, but Kurama had mumbled: "Sorry... gotta sleep" and fallen straight back asleep again. So Hiei had been left alone all day with his irrational anger and frustration boiling inside of him. By the end of the day he'd convinced himself that their relationship, at least on terms he could cope with, was over.

There was nothing he wanted to take with him. He wasn't going anywhere he'd want possessions. Although he knew Mukuro would willingly take him back in her service, the reasons for his leaving before, for giving up that inheritance, were known to all her court. His proud nature couldn't bear the scorn, or worse, the occasional pity, with which he'd be viewed. His only recourse was to take up the life of a bandit again, to carve out a territory with blood and fear. All through these bitter thoughts wove a poignant thread of regret for the family life which he'd known with Kurama and the kids, which he was certain he'd never have again.

On the morning of his birthday he woke knowing all this in an instant, sure in his mind what he had to do. He was surprised that Kurama wasn't there in the bed: not at his waking early - after his sleeping a whole day and two nights, it was to be expected - but that he'd slipped away without even waking his lover. Somehow that small fact was the final piece of evidence to Hiei: it was over.

Happy? Birthday? Hah! Hiei snorted cynically at the phrase as it crossed his mind, and tried to ignore the pain in his heart.

He wasn't going to leave without explaining to the youko, though, so it made things easier for him when he saw Kurama walking back up from direction of the pool they used, bathed and refreshed. However, he was entirely naked, and the involuntary surge of desire the fire demon felt had to be fought back down before it made itself visible....

"Kurama, we need to talk... " he began, but the youko placed a finger on Hiei's lips, then stepped back a pace, golden eyes dancing with an amusement that made no sense to Hiei.

"First let me give you your birthday present: I've been practising for two hours to make sure I do it right." As he spoke, a mist seemed to thicken around his body, swirling around until it concealed him completely. When it dispersed, Hiei was left staring in amazement, with eyes bulging and mouth hanging open.

"...K... Kurama?" he managed to gasp. Then he passed out.

When he slowly came to, his lover was gently bathing his forehead with cold water on a cloth, deep concern on his altered face.

"I'm so sorry Hiei, I just wanted it to be a surprise. I didn't realise it would be such a shock. Are you all right?"

"I'm OK. But how... how did you do it?"

"Remember I said I'd missed out on some youko things I didn't think would help a thief? My kind are shape-shifters: the least of them to kitsune; the best can mimic ningen well enough to pass for one amongst them. I never thought I'd need to go that far; besides most places I wanted to rob had guard spells, and anyone shape-changed would have set them off."

"When my ningen body died, I realised that somehow, now I was a youko again, I couldn't say or do the sweetest things to you, like before... I just didn't have that single-minded confidence. I was afraid - me, Youko Kurama! - to be so openly emotional, needed that human body and brain sometimes, to be able to tell you how much I loved you... Hiei, are you crying? Did I hurt you?"

Concern, compassion and love poured out of the flawless green eyes that Hiei had last known in the face of Minamino Shuuichi... but this was his face that was looking down at Hiei, face and body just as flawless as the eyes... Shuuichi as he'd been when they first set up home together, when they'd still been learning how to be the perfect couple they'd become....

Hiei wiped his eyes hurriedly, then began to laugh shakily. "So this is why you had to go away and learn how to be more of a youko, hn? I thought I'd lost you, that you'd gone back to their easy-screwing ways.... and you did this for me?" There was wonder, and relief in his voice. Then a thought struck him. "Hey, you can still be the youko, too, can't you? He's a randy bastard... I know I'd miss him."

"I can shift between them when I want, now. It was the hardest training I've ever known, but I mastered it. And I had to get it perfect before your birthday: I want to use this "me" to show you all the things that are in my heart as the youko, things I haven't got the confidence to say while I'm him... I wanted to have Shuuichi's way of saying things for today, to tell you how much I love you..."

The sentence tailed off because the two were busy kissing. After a while, Kurama broke off the kiss with a little laugh.

"I was just thinking... our next kids are going to be really confused with three fathers, aren't they?"

Hiei's heart leapt. The last part of a dream, that he had thought irretrievably broken, glued itself back together in his heart. He was part of a family; he belonged.

"When can we start looking?"

"Just as soon as you like..."
 
 
 
 

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