Disclaimer:  Yuu Yuu Hakusho, its characters, copyright and trademarks belong to Yoshihiro Togashi, Shueishen / Shonen Jump, Fuji TV and Studio Pierrot.  Copyright of this fic belongs to its author. Warning: this has Yaoi (m/m) overtones.	Art by Morgan D.

CHAPTER 1
Confusion
 
 

Kurama was feeling uncharacteristically sorry for himself - VERY sorry for himself. The cold that had started last week just seemed to go on getting worse and worse. Now he was sneezing all the time and was starting to get a wheezy cough as well. This morning when he'd been ready to go to school, his mother had stopped him.

"Shuuichi, you look terrible! I don't think you're well enough to go to school. You must go to the doctor and see if he can give you anything to help you get better - then come back home and go straight to bed."

"Yes, 'Kaasan." he'd said dutifully. Even though he'd wanted to go to school today, to hand in a project he was rather pleased with, he knew she was right. Just the short walk to the clinic made him feel tired before he was halfway there. But there were other reasons why he was depressed.

Right now he was very confused: he'd known that at this age his hormones would be sending him on an emotional rollercoaster ride, but he'd expected it to at least be leading somewhere. All the girls at school adored him passionately, and were constantly finding excuses to sit beside him and chatter to him - or worse, gaze dumbstruck at him. Kurama, however, just felt embarrassed by all the attention, although he was far too polite to let anyone see that.

He'd considered the possibility that he might be gay; after all, lots of people mistook him for a girl at first sight, and he loved flowers and elegant, graceful clothes. Weren't these supposed to be give-away clues to the possibility of a boy being gay, at least according to popular gossip? But to be like that, he'd have to be attracted to other boys. When he looked at the other male students, he didn't feel even a flicker of interest.

He wouldn't have minded so much if he had turned out to be gay. He just wanted to turn out to be something. To know that there was a chance, however slight, that one day there would be someone he could share his life with; because right now he was feeling very lonely as well. He'd always felt separate, different to other children, because of the extraordinary stories that seemed always be telling themselves, whether he wanted it or not, inside his head. It was only later that he realised they were memories - his memories - from a time before he was born. He was sure that if he ever let anyone get close enough to find out about this, he'd be locked away as dangerous lunatic.

So, he created a new personality for himself: quiet, obedient, dutiful - because that way no-one would think to ask him questions - enigmatic and politely aloof, so no-one could get too close. It also helped him to stop thinking about what sort of person he'd been as Youko Kurama. For a sensitive boy growing up so alone, it was an unpleasant shock to realise that sometimes he'd been cruel, arrogant and happy to deal death or injury to fellow-creatures on a whim. He would have found it very easy to have hated Youko Kurama, if Youko Kurama was a separate person. But he was Youko Kurama, and he was Shuuichi too... and he was very confused.

When he started to develop psychic abilities, to command the growth of plants, and to sense the existence of gateways between the Ningenkai he lived in, and the Makai his soul came from, it was worse: he wasn't insane, but he wasn't fully human either. If Shiori's illness hadn't forced him to concentrate on using every one of his powers to find a way of winning her back from death, then he might have gone mad anyway. Teaming up with Hiei had been the first positive thing to come from this, even though he'd had to conceal his intention to give up his life to the Mirror of Utter Dark in return for Shiori's survival. If Hiei sometimes seemed cold, arrogant and ruthless, at least he understood what Kurama was, and seemed to express no judgement of what he had been. Sometimes Kurama felt he owed his sanity to the little fire demon for just being the one steady point in his universe. For fear of a dismissive response, he'd never dared give voice to the nagging feeling that he'd known Hiei from before he was human, even if he couldn't bring back a single memory to confirm it.

Then Yuusuke had smashed their plans and brought them to judgement. Kurama couldn't feel any resentment for this: Yuusuke had risked death to save Kurama when he had been about to give up his life to the mirror. None of the team had known how easily Kurama had contemplated suicide to save his mother. Only after he became part of the Urameshi team as a punishment did he realise how much it had brought him: he had friends who cared for him, who understood what he was, and liked him no less for it.

Fate, however, seemed to have one more cruel trick in wait for him. Just recently he'd started getting very vivid dreams. He was always with the same person - Hiei, his friend and teammate, and always in the same situation: his body pressed hard against Hiei's in a clinging embrace, staring into those enigmatic ruby eyes. Worse, the dreams always ended the same way: an overpowering sense of arousal, followed by a sudden damp awakening, and the need to wash his pajamas - and sometimes his sheets too - while 'Kaasan was out. Worse still, of all the small number of people he called true friends, Hiei was the least likely companion for such closeness. Even though there was a strong bond between them, it was never spoken about, and Hiei regarded emotions as something that just got in the way of your fighting abilities. Kurama could so easily imagine cold shutters coming down behind his friend's eyes if he'd breathed a word of what he was feeling.....

The other problem was that even if he'd managed, unlikely as it seemed, to breach Hiei's defences and find some spark of affection in him, what should he do next? Youko Kurama's memories were quite informative on the subject of joining with female bodies, but when it came to male ones there seemed to be little that would help him. There was something, a recollection of some passion shared, but unfortunately what he could remember seemed rather sadistic, at least to his fairly innocent mind. Undoubtedly he had enjoyed it, but he couldn't imagine there had been any fun in it for the person on the receiving end.

Human Kurama - Shuuichi - had heard school gossip about what some men did together, but he'd thought it too gross to be believed. Worryingly, it also had quite a bit in common with his unappealing memories. Nowhere could he find a clue to anything sufficiently romantic to complete the dream of seducing Hiei.

Most of all he feared that if the chance ever came, he would only earn Hiei's contempt by displaying his ignorance, for Hiei demanded the highest standards of himself and others, in every field - and his contempt was scathing. Through his fighting skills, Kurama had never failed him, indeed he knew Hiei secretly looked up to him. Kurama was terrified of losing that respect through proving inept at anything so crucial, and had no reason to believe the fire demon would be any kinder with him than the others he criticised so mercilessly. In his mind he could hear the youkai's voice, dripping with indifference: "Sorry, fox: you haven't got anything I need.... " That sort of failure would destroy him.

Even though the thought of being intimate with anyone before his adored youkai was deeply unattractive, part of him still wished he could, somehow, find out what to do before the time came - if it ever did. But therein lay a paradox. Even if he'd known anyone whose inclinations lay that way, that was no solution, for every time he saw them thereafter it would be a silent reproach that he'd let them be the first rather than Hiei.

That meant a stranger, then. But the idea of seeking out a stranger just for the purpose of his first sexual encounter seemed sordid, dangerous and nauseating. He knew there were some who were driven to such extremities by their circumstances, but he never wanted to be one, not ever. And if Shiori ever found out... He shuddered again, sickened by fear. In his heart he kept a secret hope that she might be able to accept him loving another boy, if she saw it arising out of a close, warm relationship... but never what he had just been thinking of. To be discovered in something like that would be to soil her too, and destroy the trust between them that he treasured more than anything in his human life.

What he needed was for someone experienced, clean, trustworthy and with imperative reasons for keeping quiet about it for the rest of his life, to pop up in front of him and say "Hi! Can I make love to you just this once and then never see you again, ever...?" It wasn't going to happen. All in all, his cause seemed to be doomed even before he started.

"Aaaahhh-choo!!" - another explosive sneeze shook his body. Right now, he decided, life stunk.
 
 

Chapter 2: Awakening
Back to Index