"Hiei, I told you to steer clear of that subject."

"Owwwww..."

"Stop whining and let me take care of it," Kurama snapped, pressing the ice-cold washcloth against Hiei's cheek. "I tried to warn you, but you opened your mouth anyway."

"But I told her the truth!" Hiei insisted. "She's not fat!" He threw his hands up, and Kurama yelped as he was swatted in the face. "I couldn't believe it! I told her she wasn't fat and she hit me for lying!"

"Like I told you," Kurama mumbled, rubbing his nose, "stay away from the 'Am I Fat?' issue. All it does is bring trouble. Whenever she brings it up, just avoid it."

"She cornered me," Hiei muttered. "Damn woman."

Kurama just nodded and wrung out the cloth again, deciding to let the topic drop and move onto other details. "So...have you dropped any hints yet?" he asked suddenly.

"Of course I have!" came the defensive reply.

Kurama raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What kind?" Interesting - he'd never considered Hiei to be the forward type.

Hiei was silent for a moment. "I...I'm always with her," he finished lamely.

Kurama sighed. "Oh, Hiei... So young... So naïve... You'll have to do better than that."

"Like what?" Hiei's face was blank. "I already listen to her whine about her Woman Problems. No one else does that. What else do I need to do?"

Kurama closed his eyes as he replied. "Oh, I don't know... You could always sneak into her bedroom in the middle of the night and whisper something romantic in her ear... Or you could wake her up with a kiss in the morning..." He sighed dreamily as his mind conjured the memory of a beautiful female youko with a sparkling silver mane and luscious red lips... "Or you could surprise her by appearing in her bath stark naked and then show her the dominance of a male demon--!" He cut off with a wince when he noticed Hiei's eyes had bulged and he was glowing faintly pink.

"N-nani?!" he sputtered. "You want me to what?!"

"No, no," Kurama assured him, waving his hands. "Forget that last part. You're a beginner." He frowned in thought. "Well...have you tried engaging in an actual conversation with her?"

Hiei blinked and tilted his head, looking puzzled. "Conversation?"

Why did I agree to this? Kurama sighed again and dropped his head into his hands. This was going to take some work.

~*~

Hiei chewed at the inside of his cheek. Maybe now was the perfect time to initiate a conversation. Kurama had told him that it was all about timing. Sometimes people wanted to talk, and sometimes they just wanted to be left alone. Mukuro didn't look like she was in a bad mood... Maybe...maybe now...

He looked up from his inspection of her carpet. She was still in front of the mirror, wearing her favorite loose, blue robe. It flattered her slim form. She didn't look to be in a foul humor, but she did look like she was in deep contemplation, hands on her slender hips and brow knit together in a tight frown.

"Um..." Gods, he was bad at this... How to start...? "Uh..." What had Kurama said? Why didn't I take notes...? He was certain the youko had said something about...of course! Everyone liked talking about the weather! "So...um...nice day...isn't it?" There. He'd said it. Granted, his voice had come out barely louder than a croak, but he'd said it. Now he just had to wait for her to respond...

When several moments went by and she hadn't said a word, his shoulders slumped in disappointment. He'd thought he'd gotten it right... Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe she wasn't interested in talking to him, and only wanted his ears so she could ramble on about her Woman Problems...

"Hiei?"

"Hm?"

She turned from the mirror and came to stand before him. She looked distressed. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you for a few weeks now..."

There was? Uh, oh. Maybe she was going to ask why he was always hanging around her - no matter the time of day or where she was. What if she said she didn't want him to follow her around all day? What if she told him he was acting like some sort of pervert? What if she kicked him out? What if...what if...what if... Did he want to hear the question, then? Could he even trust his voice to articulate an answer correctly?

"Hiei...?"

When in doubt: grunt ambiguously. "Hn." Oh, yeah. Still got it.

She fiddled with the folds of her robe, like she was nervous. "I've noticed that you don't mind being with me, no matter what I'm doing or what I'm feeling."

Damn woman. She'd started with an observation. How was he supposed to know if this was headed in a good or bad direction? "Ah."

"And I feel like I can tell you anything, and you won't judge or belittle me."

Uh, oh... She'd added an inference to the observation. Just where was she going with this conversation? "Oh?" Maybe she was getting ready to gently tell him to back off...

"And I wanted to let you know that I consider you one of my closest friends..."

Only a friend...?

"...and so you're the only one I feel comfortable enough with to..."

To...? To what?

"...Hiei..."

He kept his eyes on her, pretending to patiently wait her out, but really wanting to shake the rest out of her. "Yes?" he managed.

Her fingers tightened on her robe. "Hiei...tell me... Do...do... Are..."

She threw open her robe. "Are my breasts starting to sag?!"

"Oro?!"

~*~

"She did it on purpose," Hiei moaned into the pillow. "I'm sure she did."

"Don't be silly," Kurama soothed, patting his friend's back as he sat down on the edge of his bed. "I'm sure she wouldn't do something like that intentionally."

"And she actually said that I was the only one she was comfortable with to share that kind of thing!" Hiei wailed, his voice muffled by the pillow. "It's not fair!"

"But that's a good thing!" Kurama replied, trying to cheer him up. "That means she considers you to be a best friend! You're the person she complains to about her lover!"

"But I don't want to be that person," Hiei pouted. "I want to be the one she complains about." He propped himself up and rolled to the side so he could look at Kurama. "What do I do now? I tried making conversation, but all she cared about was knowing whether or not her...her...you know...were...uh..."

"They're called 'breasts', Hiei."

"I know what they're called!"

Kurama smiled and thought for a moment. "Well...you could constantly compliment her beauty - women like that, no matter how much they deny it. Or you could hold doors open for her and lay your cloak on a puddle for her to step on. Women always appreciate men who dirty their clothing just so they don't get their feet wet." Then he closed his eyes and sighed dreamily as his mind conjured the memory of a young, raven-haired taiyan with her four skillful hands and snake-like tongue... "Or you could surprise her by showing up in her bedroom stark naked, locking the door and then showing her the dominance of a male demon--!"

"Bastard!" Hiei snapped, smacking Kurama upside the head. "Just what the hell do you think I am?!"

Kurama sighed resolutely. "Well, you're definitely not me, so we need to tone down your seduction plan." He tapped his lips as he thought. "Hmm... Something not even Hiei could screw up..." Hiei made a face, but before he could open his mouth with a nasty retort, Kurama snapped his fingers. "Aha! Breakfast in bed!"

Hiei looked confused. "Breakfast in bed? Why would anyone want to eat in bed? Think of all the crumbs that would end up in the sheets--"

"Look, you asked me for advice, and here I am: helping you when I could be getting women myself." Kurama folded his arms. "At the very least you could listen to what I have to say. Trust me, women like getting breakfast in bed. It's sweet."

Hiei shrugged one shoulder. "Okay, then. I'll do that." He hopped off the bed and leapt to the windowsill.

"Oh, and, Hiei," Kurama called after him, "do her a favor and have someone else make the breakfast."

"Damn youko!" Hiei snapped. "You can't live in the wild for decades and not learn how to cook!" he added defensively before flitting out of sight.

Kurama sniffled and wiped an eye. It was so cute... His little Hiei was all grown up and trying to get some. "They grow up so fast..."

~*~

He had planned it perfectly. The tray had everything: eggs, a couple of slices of meat, some, the brand of tea she liked... Some brought from Ningenkai, and some native to the Demon World. Hopefully this would make her like him more than she did already.

Of course, he mused as he opened the door to her chambers and closed it gently behind him, he was fairly high on her ladder already. From what he'd observed, woman didn't just let any man walk in on her at any time of day. Hiei was allowed to see Mukuro anytime he liked, no matter what she was doing. But unlike a certain horny, redheaded, reincarnated youko, Hiei would never think of taking advantage of that privilege.

"Mukuro," he called softly, setting the tray on the nightstand next to her bed.

Her eyes opened and she smiled at him. "'Morning, Hiei," she greeted, sitting up. Her gaze fell on the breakfast platter and her smile broadened. "And this is for...?"

"You," he managed to grate out politely, wondering if she could hear his heart beating nervously as well as he could.

She chuckled happily. "Oh, thank you," she said, taking the tray and settling it over her lap. "You're so sweet," she added, and picked up the fork.

Sweet? What the...? Compliment. Ah, yes. Compliment. "Don't mention it." There. He'd reached three-word sentences. Then he noticed she was inspecting the meat with a frown. "Um...is something wrong?" he asked hesitantly.

"No," she replied. "I'm just wondering how many calories are in this... I'm not five-hundred anymore - extra fat settles in on me far too quickly for my taste."

Hiei moaned under his breath and slouched. Not this again...

But she ate the meal, to his relief, and even seemed to enjoy it. When she was finished, she set the tray back onto the nightstand and threw the covers aside so she could stand up. Hiei watched her head to her mirror, trying not to pay attention to the white nightgown she was wearing, or the fact that white nightgowns didn't hide very much - especially low-collared, high-cut nightgowns that could hardly be considered "gowns". It was more like a nightshirt. Not that she had to worry about him "losing control" of himself or anything. Nope. He wasn't some horny, redheaded, reincarnated youko.

She put a hand on her abdomen and turned to the side, as though she was studying her figure intently. "So it's true," she moaned. "My bottom is falling, too."

Hiei blinked. "Huh?"

"I should have known," she muttered. "Usually the butt starts sagging before the breasts... How come I didn't notice this sooner?"

Hiei frowned. What was she talking about? There was nothing wrong with her bottom. Not that he'd ever looked at it, or anything.

"Damn human desserts!" she spat. "Why are they so addicting? I think I have put on weight..." She spun on her heel and stalked toward him, planting herself in front of him with her hands on her hips. "Hiei."

He swallowed. Why did that damn nightgown have to be so short...? He forced his head up to look her in the eye. "Hm?"

"Am...am I fat?"

Run away! his mind screamed at him. He swallowed again and cleared his throat. "Uh...well... Um...I..."

"Am I?"

"Uh..." Last time he'd told her the truth and she'd struck him, accused him of being a liar. He didn't want to get hit again...but...what was he supposed to say...?

"Tell me the truth! Am I fat?!"

"Um...

"Uh...

"Well...

"...yes."

~*~

"KUSO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"A little louder, Hiei. I don't think they heard you in Canada."

"That hurts!" the Fire Elemental whined, poising his hands to push himself up.

Kurama snorted and shoved him back down to the mattress on his stomach. "Well, if you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much," he replied, rubbing more salve onto his friend's bare back.

"I never should have listened to you!"

"Don't blame me, Hiei. I told you to stay away from the 'Am I Fat?' issue." He sighed in both disappointment and sympathy. "Poor baby... One step forward, two steps back." He paused and then corrected himself. "Actually, it's more like eight steps back, if not ten." He started when he'd realized what he'd said, and winced at Hiei's hopeless moan. "I'm sorry, Hiei. Forget I said that."

"No, it's true. I can't do anything right. Damn it." He buried his face in the pillow. "Why can't this be like one of those stupid human stories where the hero always gets the female?"

"Don't give up yet, Hiei," Kurama urged. "There's still hope."

"No way," Hiei mumbled. "How can I go back and see her now? She'd have me skinned alive..."

"Oh, don't be silly. Mukuro likes you, Hiei. I know she does."

"But I blew it. How am I supposed to make it up to her?"

Kurama frowned and kept massaging the salve into the bruises and cuts on Hiei's skin. "Hm... Well, you could take her away on a vacation somewhere romantic so you could be alone with her - that would give you ample time to work up the courage to tell her you like her. Or you could cook her a delicious dinner - women think men who cook are desirable." He sighed longingly as his mind conjured the memory of a golden-haired griffilia with feathered wings that were so concealing that she could wrap him against her while he... "Or you could lead her to a secluded part of the forest where no one could hear any screams, leave her, and then reappear stark naked and show her the dominance of a male demon--!"

"What is it with you and nude domination...?"

"Never mind. Forget that last part." He couldn't help it; all the time spent on devising ways for Hiei to get Mukuro was making him painfully aware that he had no one. Gods, even Hiei was trying to court a woman... "Hey, why don't you buy her a gift?"

"A gift?" Hiei echoed, rolling over and sitting up. Then he exhaled sharply in defeat. "Like what? She has everything she could ever want..."

"Oh, there are plenty of things you could buy her... They don't have to be expensive, they just have to be thoughtful and sweet so she knows you're thinking of her." He thought for a moment. "You know, flowers, chocolates, promises you never plan on keeping... Or you could always pick up some amusing sex toys. They're always good for a laugh. Maybe she'd want to try some with y--OW!" He yelped as his hair was violently yanked.

"Asshole!" Hiei yelled at him. "How can anyone be so damn perverted? I like her for who she is, not because...because...you know..."

Kurama grinned at him. "There, see? That was perfect! That's why I'm sure she likes you. All you have to do is say something sweet like that to her face."

"I can't," Hiei replied bitterly.

"Why not?"

"Because it's...mushy. I'm not mushy." He turned a light shade of pink. "And I always make a moron out of myself."

"But that's what makes you so cute," Kurama pointed out. "So, are you going to buy her a gift or not?"

"I guess... But what kind? I told you, she has everything."

"That may be," Kurama replied, "but, I have not met a single woman who didn't enjoy this..."

~*~

At the rate his heart was beating, Hiei was certain it would be pounding out of his chest if it could. He scuffed his feet in front of the door to Mukuro's chamber, holding the gift basket behind his back. He was nervous, to put it mildly. It had been a few days since their last encounter. However, he still wasn't certain if Mukuro would be as willing to just let him walk into her rooms since he had effectively insulted her in his effort to avoid getting slapped - an effort which, in the end, had proven ineffective because she had done more than just slapped him after the words had left his mouth.

He swallowed nervously several times before deciding that the very worst she could do would be demand that he leave her alone and get out of her palace. So, he raised his hand and knocked on the door.

At first, there was no answer. He waited a few moments, and then figured she was probably ignoring him. He sighed in mild disappointment and was ready to turn around and head back to the Human World when a muffled "Come in, Hiei" was heard on the other side of the door.

He hesitated for a fraction of a second, and then turned the knob and entered, keeping the basket behind his back. Mukuro was sitting on her bed, wearing a thin, sapphire blue nightgown that some people might call "skimpy". Hiei swallowed again and averted his eyes. She did that kind of thing on purpose, he decided. She had to. Did she know what it did to him?

"Um...hi." Not bad, he mused: an inarticulate noise and a syllable - not a bad way to start the conversation. "So...um...how are you?"

She shrugged. "I suppose I'm as well as can be expected, what with my breasts sagging and my butt falling."

Hiei winced. "Um...Mukuro...could we maybe...refrain from discussing the...uh...cushioned parts of your anatomy...?"

Mukuro continued as though she hadn't heard him. "And then there's my weight gain problem... What's next? Wrinkles? Am I going to get wrinkles now? They must be next in line..."

"Uh, Mukuro?"

She stopped mid-tirade and raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

Now or never... He shifted from one foot to the other and aimed his gaze at the wall. "Um...I brought you something." He risked a quick glance at her to see her reaction and was relieved to see her smile.

"A gift?" she inquired, tilting her head. "Oh, Hiei, you shouldn't have." She crossed one leg over the other. "So? Can I see it?"

That depends on whether or not I can make it over there, he replied mentally. It took him a couple of tries to get his legs to move, but soon he'd walked slowly to the bed. He held out the gift-basket to her and was pleased when she brightened and accepted it.

"Oh, would you look at this?" she cried. "It's so beautiful!" She used her fingernail to rip a tiny hole in the plastic and removed the wrap to inspect the contents. She lifted the various bottles and soaps and her sudden smile lit up her whole face. "These are lovely!" She sniffed at one bar and sighed contentedly. "Vanilla...strawberries...chocolate...mint... So many wonderful scents...!"

I think she likes it, Hiei observed, studying her reactions intently. I think I've been forgiven. Maybe Kurama really was a good "matchmaker". He'd certainly been right about women loving bath supplies.

"Maybe the gentle chemicals in these lotions will help keep the wrinkles at bay!" Mukuro cried in triumph.

Hiei sighed and felt himself slouch. Oh, for...

"And perhaps," she continued, "it will serve to help clear away the stretch marks on my thighs!"

Hiei frowned. What was she talking about? There were no stretch marks on her thighs. Not that he'd ever looked at them, or anything. "Um..." Should he try starting a conversation with her now?

He didn't get a chance to find out, because Mukuro hopped off the bed and started walking toward the bathing room that was adjoined to her chambers. He started chewing his lower lip. Please don't tell me she's going to take a bath now... He prepared to turn around and leave - not wanting to risk making a fool of himself. But will she think you're being rude for not telling her where you were going? He stopped short and blinked. Oh, yeah... Kurama had told him that women liked it when men were very polite and considerate.

So, Hiei trudged to Mukuro's bathing area, took a quick peek to make sure she was still dressed - or as dressed as a woman in a tissue-thin blue nightgown can be - and then knocked on the open door before moving to stand in the doorway. "Uh, Mukuro..." She was admiring herself in another of her full-length mirrors.

"I do believe it's gotten worse..." she moaned, pressing her hands against her stomach. "Flatten, damn you! Flatten!"

Hiei silently vowed to destroy every single full-length mirror in Mukuro's stronghold. "Mukuro...there's nothing wrong with your--"

"Hiei, have I gained weight?"

His blood ran cold. "As I was about to say, there is nothing wrong with your--"

"Have I gained weight?"

"Um..." ...Why did she always ask him this question...? Did she enjoy making him squirm? "I..." He started backing away, hoping she wouldn't notice until he could make a run for it.

No such luck. She raised an eyebrow and then started stalking forward. "I asked you a question." She sounded indignant.

Hiei threw his pride out the window and made a dash for the door, and almost bumped into Mukuro, who was suddenly blocking his escape route. He wasn't sure if he'd "eeped" or not, but he definitely released some sort of mewling sound. "Um... Could I...maybe...leave?"

She gave him a little glare. "Hiei, I asked you a question. It's not polite to walk away from someone who's trying to talk to you."

If it were physically possible for a demon to shrink in size according to level of apprehension, Hiei was certain he'd be staring at Mukuro's knees. "Er..."

She put her hands on her hips, and Hiei swallowed. Hands on hips meant trouble. "Hiei, you're supposed to be someone I can count on to give me an honest opinion when I ask a question. So why is it so hard for you to do that?"

"Um..." Because I don't want to get hit? Somehow, he doubted that would be an appropriate answer...

"Well?" She sounded impatient. "I thought you would be someone I could share my whole self with."

But I don't want to screw this up... He swallowed again and averted his eyes. The last time he'd done something nice for her, he'd managed to ruin the entire thing less than an hour later. He didn't want that to happen this time. "Uh..."

"Hiei, this is important to me." Now she sounded pleading. "I just have to know..."

"...am I fat?"

DAMN IT!!! He backed up a step and struggled to find the right answer. What right answer? he thought in dismay. There is no right answer!

"Well? Am I fat or not?"

If I say "no"...I get hit. If I say "yes"...I get hit. Is there any safe answer to this question...? "Um...

"Uh...

"...No more...

"...than usual...?"

~*~

"She hates me," Hiei moaned from his prone position on the bed, a pillow covering his face. "I give up."

"Oh, don't quit now," Kurama encouraged, trying to tug the pillow away. "You've tried so hard!"

"And I screwed everything up," Hiei spat, pulling the cushion closer to his face and rolling away from Kurama. "I'm so pathetic..."

Kurama frowned and folded his arms. "Hm...well, if she's going to be available, maybe I should see about--"

"You stay away from her!" Hiei shouted, sitting up and whacking him with the cushion.

Kurama yelped and snatched the pillow away. "Well, if you're not going to try and win her, then someone else will."

Hiei blinked. "Someone else...?" His shoulders slumped and he looked defeated. "You mean she'll fall in love with someone else and not me...?"

Kurama sighed softly and put an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Look, Hiei, how many bruises have you racked up so far?"

"Too many," Hiei muttered.

"And how much time have you spent fretting over what to say to Mukuro?"

"Too much."

"And how often have you come crying to me for help?"

"Too often... But I don't think I cried..."

"And after all that effort, you're just going to sit back and let Mukuro fall into someone else's hands?"

Hiei looked reflective. "I could always kill him..." he suggested.

"But what if Mukuro were happy with that other person?" Kurama pointed out. "Would you want to make her sad?"

"...No." Hiei heaved a heavy sigh and bit his index finger. "But...if she were happy with another person, that would mean that she and him were supposed to be together in the first place, wouldn't it? So, really, I'm doing this all for nothing, because she never would have liked me, anyway. So why am I bothering to try fighting the inevitable?"

Kurama chewed his lower lip. In some innocent, pessimistic way, that made sense. "Well..." he began, trying to find a way to counter that remark without getting into a debate about preordained futures and the freedom to choose one's own destiny, "...sometimes... Sometimes we have to fight to be granted our fate."

Hiei raised an eyebrow at him. "...Kurama, that doesn't make any sense. Usually you would want to fight against fate."

"Well, let's say someone wanted to be Emperor of the entire Demon World. Now, because it's currently divided into three factions, that would be initially impossible, right?"

"...Yeah..."

"But what if this demon was destined to be the king of Makai, hm? And what if, in order to prove himself worthy enough to be the king, he had to fight all three of the current leaders? If he defeated them, he would earn his place as King. See where I'm going with this?"

Hiei tapped his lips as he thought about it. "So...I keep getting slapped because Fate is testing me? To see if I'm good enough for Mukuro?"

Kurama shook his head. "You'll never be good enough for Mukuro," he started, and immediately wished he could take the words back.

Hiei flopped back onto the bed and turned away from him. "I didn't think so," he muttered.

"No, no, wait! You didn't let me finish!" Kurama decided he'd have to work on his opening sentences, to avoid shattering his friends' self-esteem. "What I meant was, you'll never be good enough for Mukuro, but you'll be good enough for her."

Hiei turned back over and gave him an odd look. "Kurama, are you on any hallucinogens?"

Kurama waved a hand. "Look, you'll never be good enough for Mukuro. Just like Kuwabara will never be good enough for Yukina, and Yusuke will never be good enough for Keiko, and I'll never be good enough for..." He paused and shrugged off-handedly. "Well, this example doesn't apply to me, of course, seeing as how I'm more than good enough for any woman I want." He surged ahead before Hiei could interrupt with some nasty retort. "But, that doesn't mean that you can't be good enough for Mukuro!"

Hiei sat up and tilted his head, studying Kurama intently. "Kurama...maybe it's the total lack of sense your words make...but I can't understand a bloody thing you're trying to tell me."

Kurama rolled his eyes. Naïve child, he mused. How could someone not understand the concept? "It's like this, Hiei: a man will never be good enough for the woman he wants. However, he can work hard so he can be good enough for her to overlook the fact that he isn't good enough. See?"

Hiei started rubbing his temples. "Kurama, that doesn't make any sense..."

"Of course it does. You're just inexperienced, that's all. Soon you'll be learned in all the ways of Woman. Did you know they even have their own language?"

"Oh, great..."

"So? Are you going to earn Mukuro, or are you just going to sit back and let some taller guy sweep her off her feet?"

"...I'm gonna earn her," Hiei stated. "...Now I just have to figure out how..."

Kurama frowned in thought. "Well...you could always take her out to a ball or something, and dance with her. Or you could go flower-picking with her - women admire men who don't care who sees them picking flowers..." He smiled as his mind conjured the memory of a cerulean-haired kittren with a tempting, rough tongue and claws that she used, claws just sharp enough to... "Or you could barge into her room just as she gets out of bed, tear both of your clothes off and then show her the dominance of a male demon--!"

"Kurama, stop that!"

"Sorry... Hey, I know!" He smiled and clapped his hands together. "Hiei, you could..."

~*~

It had been a week since he'd seen her. Hopefully, Hiei figured, that had been long enough for Mukuro to overlook what he had said to her the last time he'd been in her room. Of course, that didn't stop his stomach from flopping around all over his abdomen. He wondered whether he would be greeted with a kind word or a slap. Mukuro seemed to enjoy slapping him...

He knocked on the door and waited. It wasn't long before the familiar "Come in, Hiei" was heard. How does she always know it's me...?

He slipped into the room and shut the door behind him, making sure it was unlocked in case he had to make a hasty retreat. Mukuro was sitting in her cushioned chair, reading a thick novel and sipping a goblet of wine.

He swallowed once before greeting her. "...Hello."

"Good afternoon, Hiei," she said warmly. "You've been gone for awhile. Out training somewhere?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess you could say that." Amazing - seven consecutive words and not a single stumble. Maybe there was hope for him, after all. "So...how are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm doing my best to avoid any and all sweets," she added, still with her nose in her book. "I want to look the way I did when I was four hundred again. If only you could have seen me then, Hiei." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. "I was so pretty..."

"...I..." He forced the words over the nervous lump in his throat, "...I think you're pretty now."

"...and my hair was so full and long... What was that?" She looked at him. "Did you say something?"

He froze. Now she was looking right at him; he was the center of her attention. He couldn't say it if she was looking at him like that... No matter how much he wanted to, he just couldn't say it... "Um... No, I said nothing."

She frowned at him. "Are you all right?" she asked, closing the book and leaning forward. "You seem...edgy."

"Edgy?" He shook his head. "No, I'm okay." He aimed his gaze at her carpet and tried to think of a way to ask her if--

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" she mused, looking over her shoulder out the window. "The moon will probably be amazing tonight."

Maybe Kurama was right, Hiei thought. Maybe things like this were predetermined and had to be earned. "Well...would you...maybe...uh... Would you want to...maybe...go out and see it...tonight?"

She raised an eyebrow. "With you?"

He swallowed again. Her tone had been neutral; he couldn't tell if her words had been spoken with delight or disgust. "Um...yeah..." There. The invitation had been extended. Optimism warred with pessimism as he waited for her to either say she'd love to go with him, or that he'd been stupid if he'd ever thought she would go anywhere with someone like him.

"Oh, I'd love to go," she replied. "It's been a long time since I've seen the moon and stars while walking along the beach..."

"We could go, then," Hiei offered quickly. "We could...you know, go for a walk along the beach..."

She smiled at him. "That would be wonderful. After dinner, shall we?"

"Sure," he managed. She'd said yes. He couldn't believe it. She'd said yes.

"I'll see you tonight, then." She smiled again and went back to her book.

Hiei smiled back and left. His stomach wasn't flopping, anymore - now it was more like fluttering. He was still nervous, but in a different way. He leaned against the wall when he exited her room and almost slid to the floor. She'd said yes.

She'd said yes!

~*~

That evening, when Hiei had picked Mukuro up... Well, he couldn't really say he "picked her up" because they lived in the same fortress, but he did go to her rooms to meet her. So, when he met her, she was wearing the outfit she seemed to prefer; the outfit he had first gotten to know her in. He had to admit that he appreciated the familiarity associated with it. That was how he had first seen Mukuro, and was the outfit he had come to always think of her in - though he did sometimes catch himself thinking of those damn paper sheets she wore to bed... Only for a few seconds, though. Of course. It wasn't like he'd ever fantasized, or anything...

They had taken a direct route to the beach, though they had walked slowly, making small talk along the way. They had walked side-by-side, and Hiei had made sure to place himself just far enough from her not to be a threat, and just close enough to let her know that he wanted to be with her.

The walk along the beach had been beautiful, even Hiei could admit it.. The way the moonlight had shone on the sands and the water had been amazing, and he had felt Mukuro touch his arm.

He turned his head to look at her. "Yes?"

She nodded toward the bank. "Want to sit down for awhile?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "Sure."

So they knelt and settled onto the grass right in front of the shore. There was no need for them to get their bottoms wet, after all. They remained silent for a little while. Hiei was debating if it would be an appropriate time to start a conversation with her.

Mukuro beat him to it. "So...how do you like living in my fortress?"

"I like it," Hiei replied, drawing his knees up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "I like it a lot." "Talk about her..." Hiei thought, remembering Kurama's instructions. Women didn't like it when men talked only about themselves. "Say, Mukuro..."

"Hm?"

"...What's it like being a leader of the Demon World?" he asked. "It can't be as appealing as one would initially think it to be."

"It's not," Mukuro agreed with a sigh. "To tell the truth, sometimes I despise it. You spend many a waking hour wondering which of your followers are your allies or your enemies. You wonder which of them simply dislike you but will obey, and which of them are plotting to kill you when your back is turned." She shrugged. "It's hard not knowing who your friends are anymore. Stressful. I have to watch my tongue no matter where I am. Except...when I'm with you."

There was that fluttering-stomach feeling again. Hiei dug his toes into the soles of his boots. "...Oh?"

She smiled and leaned back on her hands. "Yes... You're the only one I know I can trust. It's like I told you a few weeks ago: I feel like I can share my whole self with you, and you won't judge or belittle me." She glanced at him. "And you? Are you comfortable with me?"

Hiei lowered his eyes. That was a hard question to answer. Long ago, when he'd first gotten to know her, he'd been very comfortable with her. When he'd realized that he liked her, however, that's when things started to change. He spent each second he was with her worrying he would do something wrong. But if he managed to get passed this stage... "Yes," he said at last. "Very comfortable..."

They didn't say anything for awhile, until Mukuro sighed softly. "You know what the worst part about my job is?"

"What?"

"You get lonely."

Hiei blinked. "Lonely...?"

She answered as she closed her eyes. "Mm-hm... I envy everyone out there who has someone... They're lucky. I wish I could have someone who cared about me as much as I did about him."

Hiei released his knees and turned so he was facing her, wondering what that meant in Woman. Maybe she was talking about it because she wanted him to do something...or maybe she was just talking about it... He wasn't sure... But it wasn't like he could ask, really. Kurama had said that women expected men to understand them perfectly, and didn't like being questioned... But...she'd said that she wanted someone who would care about her... She'd said she envied everyone who had someone significant... Maybe...maybe he should...

He leaned over and touched his lips to hers, making sure the gesture was slow and gentle. He heard her stop breathing, and wondered what that meant. When he pulled away and opened his eyes again, he stopped breathing, too.

She was giving him a flat stare. "...Why did you do that?"

"I..."

"Did I give you permission to do that?"

She couldn't have hurt him more if she'd thrust a hand through his chest and ripped his heart out. "...No."

"Then why did you do it?"

The way she was looking at him... He couldn't get his mouth to work, and he couldn't stand the way her eyes were boring into him. So he averted his gaze. She didn't say anything, though he could sense her eyes on him - probably glaring at him, too... And not long after, she stood and left.

Hiei sighed sadly. She hadn't even hit him. And somehow, that made it hurt more.

~*~

"...And she just looked at me and... I'm so stupid!! Why did I kiss her? Why didn't I just keep my hands off her? I was doing just fine until I decided to infer what she meant... Damn, damn, damn!"

Kurama sighed softly and took a sip of his tea before continuing to type up his essay. "Hiei, when is your birthday?"

"Sixteen days after the summer solstice... What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just wondering," Kurama assured him, and decided that for Hiei's next birthday, he would buy the Fire Elemental his very own pillow to use while he was at Kurama's.

"I should have known I'd screw the whole thing up," Hiei went on, ranting into one of Kurama's pillows on his bed. "I always do. I can't do anything right... The only thing I'm good for is lopping heads off..."

"Hiei..."

"...She hates me. I know she does. I'd do anything to go back and just be allowed to visit her whenever I want... Now every time I see her I'll be thinking about...what happened last night..."

"Hiei--"

"And she won't forget it, either. She probably has me labeled as a perverted bastard who's only trying to sleep with her to get her throne or something..."

"Hi--"

"I can't go back there... Not that it matters - she probably doesn't want me to come back, anyway... Where am I going to go now?"

"H--"

"Serves me right, I suppose... I never should have started thinking I'd have a chance with her... I'm sure lots of people are in love with her. She doesn't need me. Maybe I should go away and let the person she's gonna be happy with have a chance..."

Kurama stood and walked to the door. "Hiei, I'm going out for awhile. Don't worry, I won't be gone too long. Stay here, okay?"

"...And she's so smart and articulate, and I can barely manage to say a sentence around her without croaking... No wonder she doesn't want me touching her... Kurama's right - I'll never be good enough. I'll never even be 'good enough'..."

Kurama gave up and simply left his apartment. He didn't think it would have to come to this, but Hiei was more hopeless than he'd thought.

~*~

"So, Kurama," Mukuro began, dropping a spoonful of sugar into her tea, "what brings you to my domains, hm? I can't say I'd consider you a regular tea-taking companion of mine."

"No," Kurama replied, "I suppose I can't see myself sitting to take tea with you every day, either. Though it is excellent tea," he complimented with a dazzling smile.

Mukuro gave him an odd look. "You're the one who made it."

"I know."

She rolled her eyes. "So how have you been?"

Kurama sipped his tea. "Oh, I'm all right. I'm still working toward my major - it's hard work, and takes up a lot of my time." He sighed regretfully. "If only it were possible for me to major in Sexuality instead of Science... I'd have my PhD by now..."

"You should see about minoring in Vanity," Mukuro suggested.

Kurama tapped his lips. "Maybe I should..." he replied thoughtfully.

"Kurama, if you don't mind, there are twenty-three other nobles I have to take tea with this afternoon, so could you please state your business and then leave?"

"Certainly." Kurama took another sip of the excellent beverage and regarded the noblewoman seriously. "I'm here to discuss a friend of mine."

"Hiei?"

"How'd you guess?"

She raised her eyebrow at him. "I doubt many other friends of yours would be involved in my life, youko."

"Touché," Kurama muttered. "Yes, it's about Hiei."

Mukuro rested her cheek on her hand. "Ah, yes. Hiei. I haven't seen him since last night... Where is he now?"

"Yelling at my pillows."

"I see."

"Mukuro, I have a question for you."

"It better not have anything to do with my weight or my measurements."

Kurama winced. "Uh, no. Mukuro, what do you think of Hiei?"

"What do I think of him?" she echoed, blinking at Kurama curiously. "Would you like a politically correct answer, or the truth?"

Kurama frowned. That was a good question... What if he found out that Mukuro didn't like Hiei? How was he supposed to go back and tell his friend that what he'd feared was correct? But then...if he didn't learn the truth, Hiei would keep trying to get something he could never have. Kurama could never do that to a friend. "The truth," he said at last. "What do you really think of Hiei?"

Mukuro looked at him for a long time. Finally, she heaved a great sigh. "Hiei is... Well...he's... Let me put it this way...he's..."

Kurama leaned forward, half-wanting to hear the answer and half-worrying that Hiei would be spending the rest of his life alone. "He's what?"

"...He's really cute," she finished with a smile. "Had you going, didn't I?"

Kurama felt his jaw drop. "You mean you like him?"

Mukuro rolled her eyes. "Silly youko... Of course I like him."

"You like him?"

"I mean, what's not to like about him? He's articulate, he's intelligent, he's handsome, and that voice..."

"You like him?"

"...And he's so sweet! Oh, and he's shy, too... But that just makes him more appealing...!"

"You LIKE him?"

"And he's always so considerate of my feelings, and... Well, face it, he has an incredible body, too..."

"You LIKE him?"

Mukuro waved a hand. "Stop that. Of course I like him."

Kurama grinned. He'd known it. He'd been right. Mukuro liked Hiei, too. Now he just had to let her in on Hiei's little secret... "Well, Mukuro, I think there's something you should know about. You see, Hiei--"

"--Likes me. Yes, I know."

Kurama's jaw dropped again. "You know?!"

She looked at him as though he'd suggested the Human World sky was green. "Stupid demi-human. Of course I know. Anyone could tell - it's so obvious."

Kurama gripped the edge of the table. "But...if you like him...and you know he likes you...why...why..." He shook his head. "Why haven't you said anything to him?"

Mukuro chuckled. "Kurama, Kurama, Kurama... You know it doesn't work that way. Hiei is wonderful, but he does have a touch of arrogance that I'd like to diminish. He could do with a little squirming. Besides," she added with a smile, "he's cute when he gets nervous."

Kurama's eyes widened. "That's why you keep asking him about your weight?"

"I thought he was going to confess last night," she went on after nodding. "I thought he was going to tell me that he liked me..."

"After he kissed you?"

"Mm-hm. But he didn't, so I left. I figured he was just embarrassed that he'd acted on impulse."

Kurama rubbed his temples. "He thinks you hate him... Why are you playing with him?"

Mukuro leaned back and folded her arms, crossing one leg over the other. "It's a Woman Thing, Kurama. You've seen more tail than the host of a Youko Convention, you should know that."

"Excuse me, my dear, but did you just call me a whore?"

"No, I called you a player."

"...All right, then."

"Look," Mukuro began, "sometimes I forget how shy and fragile Hiei can be when it comes to certain things. I'll make it up to him."

"Do you want me to tell him that you like him?"

"No." She gave him a look. "Don't ruin my fun. The chase is almost as fun as the catch, after all."

"That's true. Why, one time I spent weeks chasing after this silver-scaled reptillia, and when I caught her the first thing I did was--"

"I don't want to know."

Kurama sighed. Maybe he should start telling the tales of his Sexual Conquests to Yusuke. He would care... "So what would you like me to do?"

"...Tell Hiei that I miss him, and would like him to join me for a picnic tomorrow afternoon."

Kurama nodded. "I can do that. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Don't ask him if you're fat. You're gonna give the poor boy a heart attack."

~*~

"Hiei," Kurama called as he entered his apartment, "I'm back."

"...And she probably doesn't like short guys, either... Or maybe she hates my hair...or the color of my eyes..."

Kurama rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Hiei..." No reaction. "Hiei." Still nothing. Kurama sighed again. Hiei didn't talk much, but once you got him started... Kurama raised his voice. "Hiei, shut up for a minute."

His friend halted mid-tirade. He glanced over his shoulder, and once he saw who it was, rolled over and sat up. "Did you go somewhere?" he asked, looking a tad confused.

Kurama threw up his hands. "You would have heard me if you'd been paying attention instead of ranting at my pillows."

"At least I know I can't say anything wrong to the pillows," Hiei muttered.

"Hiei, I have a message from Mukuro. She says--"

"--that I'm a sick, twisted pervert and she never wants to see me again. I know." Hiei sighed and dropped his face into his hands. "I know..."

"Actually, that's not what she said at all," Kurama corrected with a grin. "She misses you."

Hiei peeked through his fingers. "...She does?"

"Yup." Kurama flopped onto the bed beside him. "And she wants to see you tomorrow."

Hiei frowned. "Kurama, don't play with me. I feel bad enough already."

"I'm not playing," Kurama insisted, squeezing his friend's shoulder. "I went to see her, and she said that she wants you to go on a picnic with her tomorrow afternoon. Isn't that great? You've still got a chance!"

Hiei frowned harder. "Knowing me, I'll probably end up ruining it..." Then he looked confused. "Since when does Mukuro like picnics, anyway?"

Kurama grinned. "It's another Woman Thing, Hiei. One day you'll understand." He nodded to himself. "So! Will you be joining her tomorrow afternoon?"

Hiei shrugged. "I guess so... But what am I supposed to say to her when I see her? I..." He turned a faint shade of pink. "I kissed her last time, remember?"

"Don't worry about it," Kurama assured him. "Trust me, you've still got a good chance."

"...Really?"

"Really." Kurama grinned wider. "Though...if you want to give her a nice surprise...you could always get her another gift."

"Another one?" He shrugged. "Why not? The bath stuff seemed to impress her... But what am I supposed to get her? I can't buy the same thing, can I?"

"Nope. Women notice that kind of thing - and even though they don't mention it, they deduct points for repeat gifts." Kurama smiled to himself, thinking fleetingly of publishing Woman for Dummies. "But you know what else women really love?"

"Besides bath stuff? What?"

"Jewelry."

Hiei frowned. "I don't think Mukuro likes jewelry..."

"All women like jewelry, Hiei. Every woman owns at least two pieces of it."

"Okay... So what type do I get her?"

Kurama frowned in thought. "Well...I don't think you're ready to propose yet...so the diamond ring is out of the question... Hm... Well, there's always the old 'promise ring in the wine' trick..."

~*~

The day was going well, Mukuro decided. The weather was being agreeable, the sun was shining, and the grass was warm. They were seated a good couple of miles away from her fortress, away from any and all responsibilities. She had seen to it that they had a variety of food to choose from, and she had even had a picnic blanket prepared. Hiei had carried everything, of course. Though he hadn't complained about having to do it... They had made small talk for a little while, which surprisingly enough, Hiei had initiated. He was still nervous, too, and seemingly unable to look her directly in the eye. To be expected, she supposed, given what he had done last time. Poor thing.

"You spend a lot of time with Kurama," she said suddenly, taking one of the grapes and popping it into her mouth.

Hiei shrugged. "He's my friend."

"A good friend," she added, knowing it to be the truth. Who else would have the patience to sit down with Hiei and explain courtship to him?

Hiei shrugged again. "He's a horny, redheaded, reincarnated youko...but I like him, I guess."

She pondered whether she should drop the charade and tell him that she really did like him, but then decided not to. She wouldn't say anything until he confessed. ...Besides, it was too cute to watch him map out every word before it came out of his mouth when he was around her. "Yes, he is a nice young man. Even though he's terribly vain."

"Tell me about it," Hiei agreed. "Has he tried narrating his 'Sexual Conquests' to you yet?"

"He has," she replied, pleased that he was becoming more comfortable with her. He'd managed to say a variant of "sex" around her. "Though I suppose you must hear more of them than I do - since boys tend to talk about that sort of thing with their friends."

Hiei snorted. "I hear more than enough... I'm really not interested in his 'conquests'."

Mukuro smiled. That was another thing she liked about Hiei. Men who didn't brag about their sexual exploits to their friends were rare creatures, indeed. "I'm not, either. I was somewhat surprised that he would talk about something like that so freely to someone else."

"He would," Hiei affirmed. "I tell you, that guy... Why are we talking about him?"

Mukuro shrugged. "Well, it broke the ice, didn't it?"

"...Yeah, I guess it did." Hiei shifted his position so that he could sit cross-legged on the blanket. "Thirsty?"

She smiled. "Sure, a drink would be wonderful."

He smiled back and turned to fish through the basket. He fiddled with something she couldn't really see because his back was turned. Not wanting to ruin any treat he might have planned for her, she ate a few grapes until he was ready. When he turned back to her, he was holding a goblet of wine.

"Toast?" he asked.

"Certainly," she replied, accepting the glass. As for what they were toasting, she doubted either of them really knew. They touched their goblets together, and Mukuro brought hers to her lips and drank, not taking her eyes off of Hiei. Oddly enough, he hadn't drank from his yet, and was instead looking at her with slightly widened eyes. As she sipped, tilting her head back and closing her eyes, she became aware of a tiny lump moving down her throat. She frowned a little, but figured it had probably been a piece of grape that hadn't completely gone down before. She finished her wine and smiled as she lowered her goblet. "Gods, I'll never tire of that fine Toranin wine - those beasts sure know how to make a damn good beverage!" She shifted her gaze to her friend. "Don't you think, Hiei?"

Hiei was sprawled on his back, groaning and smacking the heel of his palm against his forehead over and over again.

"...Hiei...? Are you okay...?"

February 17th, 2002

Happy Birthday, Morgan D. Happy 2nd Anniversary, Solitude of a Falling Star

Author's Notes:
This fic was the result of three factors: 1) I've done YYH-shounen-ai and YYH-neutral - it was time I tried my hand at YYH-het. 2) I wanted to do something for Morgan's b-day, to both commemorate the work she's done in keeping YYH Fandom alive, and to hopefully spur her into action to write more of a fic whose title shares its name with a natural disaster... 3) My friend Maria used to always run to my locker wanting my help in getting guys to like her more.
All sub-species of Demon that Kurama slept with were made up by me.
"Tea-taking" is a real term, though not frequently used anymore.
This fic is actually the first of an arc. The next will feature Kuwabara trying to win Yukina, and the finale will be Yusuke trying to secure his hold on Keiko ^_^
The arc's title, "Reigning Beauty" was selected because of the double meanings. First, the literal meaning, "beautiful woman" and secondly, for the phonetic reasons, since when uttered it also sounds like "reining," as in, trying to rein them in, or win them.
Anyone out there who feels like sending me bath supplies, breakfast in bed, or rings, please feel free ^_~