Iscariot
by Youkoeyes

I look up as I hear Mukuro enter the antechamber that leads to her private quarters. That large, hideous piece of headgear is gone and she's stripped down to an off white linen tunic and matching pants. She is planning to go to bed after this. This meeting like most meetings we've had of late will be brief.

"I killed Yukina and Kuwabara. I don't really know what I feel. Shock mainly because I no longer know why I exist. I thought it was to protect her." I wasn't planning on that outburst. I tried to control my voice as much as I could.

"You always know what you feel. You just don't like it. You feel fear and insecurity. Worst of all, self-pity. That's exactly what you don't want to feel." I smile inwardly. Little gets past her. She speaks coolly but I am still held firm because she looks me straight in the eye. She is right.

Now we have to move on to pressing matters.

"We have to get Yuusuke and the others out of the way. They'll be the first ones to know in the human world."

My heart pangs a bit at the mention of Yuusuke's name. He trusted me and made me his friend. At times I even felt myself worrying about him. Shame strikes my being. "Consider me personally responsible for their disposal." There. That was militant enough. She can trust that I'll do it. Makai means that much to me. Meant so much that I betrayed the only people that ever cared for me. Now it's all I have left.

" Fine, but we won't move against them yet. We have a year and a half to prepare you to face Yuusuke." She's still looking me straight in the eye. Yes. I can see it. Concern. Concern for my well being. Fuck. Things get more complicated every second. Yuusuke... what better way to break an emotional tie to somebody then to kill him or her? That's why. I realize now. That's why we decided we weren't in love. We really love each other. Ha! I smirk. Could we be anymore fucked up? She has a bitter smile crossing her face.

"Can I go?"

She nods in compliance and I make my way up to my private quarters. The room is stuffy and I feel too enclosed. Don't the servants ever get their shit straight? I like the windows open. I charge at the one I usually sit by. I take my sheathed sword and I strike the glass. There. Servants or not. This room won't be so fucking stuffy. I brush away the glass and sit down. I focus on the usual flickering red point in the heavens and begin my nightly introspection.

I think of the past, the present, and the future trying to see myself evolve. Stronger, mightier I tangibly become but there always seem to be leagues to go. Stronger, mightier... so grows my wrath. They were a set back. Caring for them... I guess. What is the compromise? I was excepted. I had a place, but then I resented it. I weave in and out of abstractions and practical matters.

Hardly able to focus on anything. Being scattered in thought makes a worrier's mind weak. Now I must gain strength especially in the mind. Training always makes me move aside my affections. I must train to concentrate better. I think I need to learn to focus my black flame to a fine point like Yuusuke can focus his Reigan. Learn to make it a compact ball so it can combust upon itself. Then, of course, there will be the routine exercises to increase in strength. I'll ask Mukuro in the morning to help me plan them. Now I have to sleep. That's why I can't focus. I've never been wearier in my life.

* * *

What was that? Something is coming through the shrubs up ahead. It's moving heavily but with precise action. Has to be Yuusuke. He stops in the middle of the clearing. His head darts left and right. He looks straight and up right at me perching on a tree branch 15 feet above him.

"Come down here, you backstabbing little bastard!" You're so right comrade. I lightly chuckle to myself. He has such blinding anger. I should let myself be a little weary so that I'm alert to all his moves. Fighting that angry makes one unpredictable. I jump to the ground landing soundlessly. Our eyes meet. There is pain mixed in his expression. Part of Yuusuke doesn't want to believe what I've done. There's a weakness. I've lost him completely. He charges fists ready.