Gryffindor Tower
24 November, 1976
12:45 ack emma
Mr Prongs,
I am afraid our correspondence has been intercepted, and some cruel fiend has undertaken to write in your name. I must keep my window open, heedless of the midnight chill? I must clean your desk when it's your own damn fault you sent the owl here to crap all over it? I am innocent of all such charges. I believe that the tensions of detention have calcified your brain.
In plain words: Not on your misbegotten life. And you can't make me. Nyah. Though I'm sure you'll make the attempt, and I shall take great pride and pleasure in foiling your dastardly deeds.
You have sent me an owl possessed by Satan. I like her. Maybe I'll sic her on Wormtail next time he's in murine form, in restitution for his eclair overdose. And you're quite correct. She did choose the right desk for her excretory relief. NOT MINE. She has better taste than my dear cousin though, who prefers to scrawl sigils of the sort that only belong in Restricted Section DADA texts. She (Bellatrix, not the bird) takes special pride in writing them in tarty dark lipstick that was last in fashion in 1953 on her boudoir mirror, or so Andromeda tells me. My cousin (Trixie, not Andy) enjoys seeing house-elves cry. Of course, our house-elf enjoys shedding Bellatrix-inflicted tears to an unhealthy degree, so I suppose everyone's happy.
Now, as to your next question, how we are to prep for our Potions exams. We know that our esteemed acquaintance has always had trouble with, mmm, hair-care in general and over-active sebaceous glands in particular. (Something Yours Truly has NEVER had difficulty with. The hallowed Black genes are good for something after all, it seems). Why shouldn't we free him of all trouble with his hair, and treat him to a little alopaecia, or male pattern baldness? Another option would be to gift him with, what do they call it? A Frou? one of those great, puffy hairstyles, in any case. However, I doubt our Mr... well, best not to mention names... our esteemed client would be remotely grateful for such attentions to his coiffure, the ungrateful little git. No, I believe a scattering of hair-loss would do quite nicely. It's hardly fatal, after all, and shouldn't hurt a bit. Except to the ego, but our dear acquaintance has quite a hard-shelled ego to begin with, and a little bruising can only do him good, don't you think?
Ah, you will be pleased to know that our dear Trixie (the owl, not my cousin) has pecked my fingers several times as I attached this letter to her—I took it off and added this as postscript, and now shall try again. The same to you, and double, my friend.
Hoping that Fate grants you EVERYTHING you deserve,
| Mr Padfoot |
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written by Teka Lynn
August 12, 2003
All rights to the characters and setting are held by J K Rowling and whoever else holds them, including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, and Warner Bros. This fanwork was created solely for fun and has no legal or financial connection to the Harry Potter novels.